On Grief

People deal with grief differently. I write.

It's been a rough month, frankly. There have been lots of mornings I didn't want to even get out of bed, didn't want to remember, didn't even want to think about what the day would look like without Jerry. And yet ... there is something incredibly healing in being able to say his name, in being able to write about the awesome young man he was, in being able to see pictures and videos of Jerry being Jerry. I think, perhaps, the hardest part personally was giving myself permission to grieve. You see, Jerry was not my son -- but he was so much a part of our lives, he certainly might as well have been! He's present in too many Facebook photos to count; he's in a third of my profile pics and cover photos; he's been at my house and in my youth group and under foot since forever (Kindergarten). I felt like he was mine. But he wasn't really. And it's been hard to give myself permission to grieve. What right do I have?! Well, he was mine. And this is how the grief process works for me.

I write.

So, I thought maybe I could gather some of this month's Facebook writings here together on this blog. Maybe it will make more sense as a whole. Maybe it will just make sense to me. Ah well.





April 20, 7:54 p.m.
Prayers please for a dear child!

April 20, 11:58 p.m.
Cyril kids, the pastors in town will be available at school tomorrow morning. Most of us, Rachyl and Jaxom included, plan to be there tomorrow. Shoulders to cry on and shoulders to hug. Missing our Sparklez for sure.



April 21, 6:46 a.m.
We all grieve differently. Me, I write. Woke this morning (if you can call this awake) with a gaping chasm in my heart. I may not have given birth to this boy, but he was my son nonetheless. Lots of moms feeling this way in Cyril today. And one more than the rest, more than we can say, we love you, Kristi.

April 23, 10:03 a.m.
Ohana; never forgotten. — with Rachyl Carlson. "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten." -Lilo



April 25, 9:11 a.m.
Your presence and support much appreciated this morning as we try to say goodbye to Jerry Lewis. If you are available, join us at the gym at 10. — feeling heartbroken.

April 25, 1:49 p.m.
Blue sparkle roses for our Sparkles today. Class of 2019 Ohana. (Thanks, Kenzie Grace and Tina R Young.)



April 25, 8:18 a.m.
This morning, I'll be at worship with my church family, for the first time without Jerry. There will be smiles and tears, likely at the same time. I would greatly appreciate your prayers this morning.


(Our youth group, last Youth Sunday.)

April 25, 10:05 p.m.
It was good to sit in a circle of friends this evening. We need each other, for sure. Love you, Delbert, Christine, Kristi, Jason, Rachyl, Haley, Kenneth, Jaxom, Rilee, huge hugs to all!!!!

April 29, 7:19 a.m.
Woke exhausted this morning. Need strength just to make it to school today.
"I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. Hands of Mercy, won't you cover me, Lord, right now I'm asking you to be strong enough."

April 29, 11:17 a.m.
Missing Jerry like crazy today. This pic is from last year's dance recital. How I miss this face! Each day, it seems, is full of more moments.
Like this pic: he HATED sitting through dance recital! But put up with it because that's what family does. It's hard for Rachyl and Jaxom right now without this guy they call brother.
I know she would love to have family and friends come support her Friday evening at Dance Recital. Ohana means everything.



May 11, 4:23 p.m.
A moment, frozen in time. The auditorium, full of antsy students and eager parents. The room suddenly hushed, breaths collectively held, all eyes turned toward the podium. Behind the microphone, her voice tremulous but strong, the young mother shared a gift with a class of 8th graders - her kids - minus one very important young man. You could have heard a pin drop in the silence of the moment. A hug for each precious soul, a sparkly cross in memory of her Sparklez, a connection few will understand. A moment, a stillness, a memory, but a reminder that Jerry Lewis will always be with us. I don't know how you measure strength, but here in Cyril, our strength is family. ‪#‎sparklesmonday‬

May 18, 8:07 a.m.
‪#‎sparklezmonday‬
Dumbledore: Still?
Snape: Always.


So, how can I explain the depth of my grief? Words fail. I miss you, Jerry Eugene Rath Lewis. Always.

4 Lessons from One Week of Fashion Effort

I made it through a whole week of "fashionable" outfits! I even wore makeup every day! (And I said "no" to one invitation, thus continuing to rid myself of burdensome obligations.)

What did I learn this week? Plenty!

1. Choosing outfits for the whole week ahead of time is NOT just for kids! One of the saving graces this week was having every outfit planned for the whole week. On Sunday evening, I hung up each outfit in the order I'd wear it during the week. This meant that even when I didn't feel like getting "dressed up", it was easy to do because it was right there in front of me! I highly recommend this for any adult professional! So what if you only did this when you were like 5?! It works!

2. Put on the matching outfit, even if you don't think you're going anywhere. This was Saturday's big lesson. I hadn't planned to go anywhere. Normally, I'd just lounge around all day (in lounge pants and oversize tee, of course). But there was the outfit, waiting for me. So I wore it anyway. And put on makeup. ("Why not?" right?) And it turned out I needed to run errands, so I looked great while out and about. Especially great since I ended up taking my pic for my driver's license!

3. Dressing professionally really does make your day better. Have you ever noticed that other people's attitudes rub off on you? Well, the same is true of your attitude about yourself. I noticed that I really did feel better about myself when I looked nicer in my own opinion. And similarly, other people started to take notice as well. I wish I'd kept track of how many people commented, "You look nice today." That just made my day! And I just felt better about myself knowing that I'd tried.

4. Fashion has its own language. Learn it. Two of the fashion-specific phrases I learned during my Pinterest research (and Facebook stalking of fashionable people) were: "#ootd" and "capsule wardrobe". These two phrases have figured significantly into my lexicon this week. Hopefully I'll be able to blog a bit more about how those two phrases have made such a difference to me.

Have I learned everything there is to know? NO WAY! I know there is so much I still need to figure out. But I'm getting there. Slowly but surely. Will I make some missteps? Probably! But I'll post them here and share what I learn from them.

As a professional librarian, I recommend using Pinterest for research! I now have a whole board dedicated to "fashion advice", which are great little posts that I can refer back to and reread as needed. Sometimes I need the reassurance!

As your friendly neighborhood librarian, I recommend reading Outside Beauty by Cynthia Kadohata. A great book about where beauty truly can be found, and what beautiful truly means.

And as your local church song leader, I recommend you repeat Philippians 4:13 whenever needed!


(And please enjoy these #ootd photos from my week!)

Count Your Blessings

♪ Count your blessings, name them one by one,
♪ Count your many blessings, see what God has done!

So, not only did I give up my Facebook for Lent (which is harder than I imagined, thank you very much), but I also vowed to spend more time in Bible reading and prayer. Well, I have the time! You can't possibly imagine how much time I have wasted on Facebook!

Each day, I'm diving into a different book of the Bible. In the mornings, I read; in the evenings, I reread and ponder, meditate and pray, and then write. I also have a cool journaling/doodling page I found somewhere on Pinterest. (Don't judge me; I can't give up ALL my social media at once!)

Yesterday was just a regular day. No mountaintop experiences, no "valley of the shadow of death" moments. And yet, as I read I Corinthians 1 last night, I was struck by just how many blessings God had given me in the course of the day. Verse 5 practically jumped off the page and landed in my lap! I have been given so much! In speech and in knowledge, I grow every day! Even the seemingly ordinary days! After all, life is really made up of ordinary days sprinkled with extraordinary moments.

There's another old song (I'm pretty sure it's Bing Crosby) about counting blessings instead of sheep "Tonight, I'll fall asleep counting my blessings..." ♫

Yep, I certainly will!

Lent (or Giving Up What You Can't Live Without)

This year for Lent, I'm taking a huge leap of faith.

Yes, every year we practice the spiritual discipline of "giving up" something during Lent. And every year, I say, "I can't give up my Facebook! I need it!" Really?! Since when is Facebook something I can't live without?

At Senior MidWinter this past January, the kids listened to a great song, "Clear the Stage" by Jimmy Needham. Toward the end of the song, a refrain of sorts repeats the phrase, "Anything that comes before my God is an idol." And somehow those words finally got through.

I do NOT NEED Facebook -- or anything else, for that matter. My God will supply all my needs, according to His riches in glory. So, I can go through 40 day of Lent, focusing on God rather than the selfish things I think I "need".

I find the Lenten worship service of Ash Wednesday particularly meaningful. Maybe it's because it's quieter than most anything else we do in our church. Maybe it's just more centering. Whatever the case, last night's service was powerful, in a way I wasn't expecting.

We had usual youth group before the service. At the end of youth, right before heading into the sanctuary, we played a short video and then talked about Lent, including all the "giving up" ideas, but also how the Ash Wednesday service is different than a typical "church" service. The last thing I said to the kiddos before we walked down the hall toward the church was to "think holy thoughts". (I'm not sure what that meant, but I guess the kids did!)

We had 28 people at the service last night. 12 of those were kids. The youth walked in quietly, sat in their two rows, and whispered quietly as they looked over the bulletin. My heart was happy. They weren't misbehaving; they were acting like mini adults. (In fact, let's make this perfectly clear, they were quieter and sitting more still than many of the adults!)

There were a few announcements, then the whole room got quiet in anticipation of opening prayer by the pastor. The pastor hadn't gotten up yet, though; he seemed to be waiting for "something".

All of the sudden, two young voices from the back pew began singing. "Lord, prepare me / to be a Sanctuary / pure and holy / tried and true / with thanksgiving / I'll be a living / Sanctuary / for You"

That was a 2nd grader and a 7th grader.

It didn't take long for the rest of the youth to join in! And I've got to hand it to the adults, most of whom don't know the song, they joined in as best they could. It was all I could do to keep from breaking down in tears. Because, yep, that's what it is all about!

They got it. Some of the youngest present at the service got it. They understood what it means to "think holy thoughts". Certainly, out of the mouths of babes...

What a blessing! And what a challenge!

Family

So, we've been trying to plan the many upcoming holiday events with family. Scheduling is always difficult with so many people wanting to see us, and many people living so far away. The best part about the holiday season is getting to see everyone! Hmm, or maybe I should say trying to see everyone!

It all starts around Thanksgiving. So many family members, so few days off! Then, somehow, we manage to schedule time to do everything in the month of December. But what a fabulous excuse to get together with everybody! :)

I couldn't live without Facebook. That's the only way I manage to communicate with my family. I love how I can send one message, and everyone in my family can get it and respond. A bit like a 5-way phone call! I especially love being able to see pictures of my family the moment they are posted. I just saw my brother's amazing family photos, and I won't see them in person until December! :)

No matter how far apart we live, my family will always be close. What a blessing they are to me!

Recommended Reading? Captain Osborn's Legacy (written by my aunt about our famous great+grandfather!)