I need to write.
I do. But my heart still feels like stone.
After we lost my mom-in-law, I wrote. A lot. And I ended up with a children's book. It did indeed help me work through my grief. And it's a treasure of thoughts that my daughter will appreciate down the road.
I need to write. The thoughts and words fill up my head, tugging at my heart, and streaming down my cheek when I least expect.
I need to write. The story is there inside my heart. But I can't.
I will. Just not yet.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Be Strong and Courageous (Joshua 1:9)
a poem about Jerry, and about all of us
Strong
Like the smallest guy in class playing football with junior highers
twice his size and pulling his own weight
Like the little league baseball player with broken fingers never
quitting even when he could
Like the student who captained his academic team as an 8th grader
because he was the only one with prior experience
Like the avid reader who swore he was not a Slytherin, though he
was...and earned the right to Gryffindor House, at least in 8th
Grade History
Like the kid who found Jesus (and a church home) and never
stopped inviting his mom, his best friend, even his best friend’s
parents, until they came too
Like the young man on a mission experience using his Boy Scout
skills to benefit a whole village
Courageous
Like the father torn with grief holding the young mother when she
no longer has the strength to stand alone
Like the class of 8th graders sitting together at a funeral even
though they’re not sure what to do, just supporting each other
Like the circle of friends sharing their favorite quote about Ohana
in front of a crowd, even though their family is “little and broken”
Like the best friend heading to school for the first time without the
guy he called brother, knowing it won’t be easy and going anyway
Like a youth group coming together for the first time after losing
the sunshine and finding a way to laugh again
Like the mother who finds the strength again and again ...
to put one foot in front of the other
to stand before hundreds of people and share a bright
memory even though her heart is shattered into millions of pieces
to join with the church family for worship even though her
memories are nearly close enough to touch
to encircle herself with the Ohana family of young people who will always call her “Mom” even though the center of the circle is unseen.
Yes, I’ve seen extraordinary strength and courage.
I can find the strength and courage to walk this valley, too.
Strong
Like the smallest guy in class playing football with junior highers
twice his size and pulling his own weight
Like the little league baseball player with broken fingers never
quitting even when he could
Like the student who captained his academic team as an 8th grader
because he was the only one with prior experience
Like the avid reader who swore he was not a Slytherin, though he
was...and earned the right to Gryffindor House, at least in 8th
Grade History
Like the kid who found Jesus (and a church home) and never
stopped inviting his mom, his best friend, even his best friend’s
parents, until they came too
Like the young man on a mission experience using his Boy Scout
skills to benefit a whole village
Courageous
Like the father torn with grief holding the young mother when she
no longer has the strength to stand alone
Like the class of 8th graders sitting together at a funeral even
though they’re not sure what to do, just supporting each other
Like the circle of friends sharing their favorite quote about Ohana
in front of a crowd, even though their family is “little and broken”
Like the best friend heading to school for the first time without the
guy he called brother, knowing it won’t be easy and going anyway
Like a youth group coming together for the first time after losing
the sunshine and finding a way to laugh again
Like the mother who finds the strength again and again ...
to put one foot in front of the other
to stand before hundreds of people and share a bright
memory even though her heart is shattered into millions of pieces
to join with the church family for worship even though her
memories are nearly close enough to touch
to encircle herself with the Ohana family of young people who will always call her “Mom” even though the center of the circle is unseen.
Yes, I’ve seen extraordinary strength and courage.
I can find the strength and courage to walk this valley, too.
On Grief
People deal with grief differently. I write.
It's been a rough month, frankly. There have been lots of mornings I didn't want to even get out of bed, didn't want to remember, didn't even want to think about what the day would look like without Jerry. And yet ... there is something incredibly healing in being able to say his name, in being able to write about the awesome young man he was, in being able to see pictures and videos of Jerry being Jerry. I think, perhaps, the hardest part personally was giving myself permission to grieve. You see, Jerry was not my son -- but he was so much a part of our lives, he certainly might as well have been! He's present in too many Facebook photos to count; he's in a third of my profile pics and cover photos; he's been at my house and in my youth group and under foot since forever (Kindergarten). I felt like he was mine. But he wasn't really. And it's been hard to give myself permission to grieve. What right do I have?! Well, he was mine. And this is how the grief process works for me.
I write.
So, I thought maybe I could gather some of this month's Facebook writings here together on this blog. Maybe it will make more sense as a whole. Maybe it will just make sense to me. Ah well.
April 20, 7:54 p.m.
Prayers please for a dear child!
April 20, 11:58 p.m.
Cyril kids, the pastors in town will be available at school tomorrow morning. Most of us, Rachyl and Jaxom included, plan to be there tomorrow. Shoulders to cry on and shoulders to hug. Missing our Sparklez for sure.
April 21, 6:46 a.m.
We all grieve differently. Me, I write. Woke this morning (if you can call this awake) with a gaping chasm in my heart. I may not have given birth to this boy, but he was my son nonetheless. Lots of moms feeling this way in Cyril today. And one more than the rest, more than we can say, we love you, Kristi.
April 23, 10:03 a.m.
Ohana; never forgotten. — with Rachyl Carlson. "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten." -Lilo
April 25, 9:11 a.m.
Your presence and support much appreciated this morning as we try to say goodbye to Jerry Lewis. If you are available, join us at the gym at 10. — feeling heartbroken.
April 25, 1:49 p.m.
Blue sparkle roses for our Sparkles today. Class of 2019 Ohana. (Thanks, Kenzie Grace and Tina R Young.)
April 25, 8:18 a.m.
This morning, I'll be at worship with my church family, for the first time without Jerry. There will be smiles and tears, likely at the same time. I would greatly appreciate your prayers this morning.
(Our youth group, last Youth Sunday.)
April 25, 10:05 p.m.
It was good to sit in a circle of friends this evening. We need each other, for sure. Love you, Delbert, Christine, Kristi, Jason, Rachyl, Haley, Kenneth, Jaxom, Rilee, huge hugs to all!!!!
April 29, 7:19 a.m.
Woke exhausted this morning. Need strength just to make it to school today.
"I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. Hands of Mercy, won't you cover me, Lord, right now I'm asking you to be strong enough."
April 29, 11:17 a.m.
Missing Jerry like crazy today. This pic is from last year's dance recital. How I miss this face! Each day, it seems, is full of more moments.
Like this pic: he HATED sitting through dance recital! But put up with it because that's what family does. It's hard for Rachyl and Jaxom right now without this guy they call brother.
I know she would love to have family and friends come support her Friday evening at Dance Recital. Ohana means everything.
May 11, 4:23 p.m.
A moment, frozen in time. The auditorium, full of antsy students and eager parents. The room suddenly hushed, breaths collectively held, all eyes turned toward the podium. Behind the microphone, her voice tremulous but strong, the young mother shared a gift with a class of 8th graders - her kids - minus one very important young man. You could have heard a pin drop in the silence of the moment. A hug for each precious soul, a sparkly cross in memory of her Sparklez, a connection few will understand. A moment, a stillness, a memory, but a reminder that Jerry Lewis will always be with us. I don't know how you measure strength, but here in Cyril, our strength is family. #sparklesmonday
May 18, 8:07 a.m.
#sparklezmonday
Dumbledore: Still?
Snape: Always.
So, how can I explain the depth of my grief? Words fail. I miss you, Jerry Eugene Rath Lewis. Always.
It's been a rough month, frankly. There have been lots of mornings I didn't want to even get out of bed, didn't want to remember, didn't even want to think about what the day would look like without Jerry. And yet ... there is something incredibly healing in being able to say his name, in being able to write about the awesome young man he was, in being able to see pictures and videos of Jerry being Jerry. I think, perhaps, the hardest part personally was giving myself permission to grieve. You see, Jerry was not my son -- but he was so much a part of our lives, he certainly might as well have been! He's present in too many Facebook photos to count; he's in a third of my profile pics and cover photos; he's been at my house and in my youth group and under foot since forever (Kindergarten). I felt like he was mine. But he wasn't really. And it's been hard to give myself permission to grieve. What right do I have?! Well, he was mine. And this is how the grief process works for me.
I write.
So, I thought maybe I could gather some of this month's Facebook writings here together on this blog. Maybe it will make more sense as a whole. Maybe it will just make sense to me. Ah well.
April 20, 7:54 p.m.
Prayers please for a dear child!
April 20, 11:58 p.m.
Cyril kids, the pastors in town will be available at school tomorrow morning. Most of us, Rachyl and Jaxom included, plan to be there tomorrow. Shoulders to cry on and shoulders to hug. Missing our Sparklez for sure.
April 21, 6:46 a.m.
We all grieve differently. Me, I write. Woke this morning (if you can call this awake) with a gaping chasm in my heart. I may not have given birth to this boy, but he was my son nonetheless. Lots of moms feeling this way in Cyril today. And one more than the rest, more than we can say, we love you, Kristi.
April 23, 10:03 a.m.
Ohana; never forgotten. — with Rachyl Carlson. "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten." -Lilo
April 25, 9:11 a.m.
Your presence and support much appreciated this morning as we try to say goodbye to Jerry Lewis. If you are available, join us at the gym at 10. — feeling heartbroken.
April 25, 1:49 p.m.
Blue sparkle roses for our Sparkles today. Class of 2019 Ohana. (Thanks, Kenzie Grace and Tina R Young.)
April 25, 8:18 a.m.
This morning, I'll be at worship with my church family, for the first time without Jerry. There will be smiles and tears, likely at the same time. I would greatly appreciate your prayers this morning.
(Our youth group, last Youth Sunday.)
April 25, 10:05 p.m.
It was good to sit in a circle of friends this evening. We need each other, for sure. Love you, Delbert, Christine, Kristi, Jason, Rachyl, Haley, Kenneth, Jaxom, Rilee, huge hugs to all!!!!
April 29, 7:19 a.m.
Woke exhausted this morning. Need strength just to make it to school today.
"I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. Hands of Mercy, won't you cover me, Lord, right now I'm asking you to be strong enough."
April 29, 11:17 a.m.
Missing Jerry like crazy today. This pic is from last year's dance recital. How I miss this face! Each day, it seems, is full of more moments.
Like this pic: he HATED sitting through dance recital! But put up with it because that's what family does. It's hard for Rachyl and Jaxom right now without this guy they call brother.
I know she would love to have family and friends come support her Friday evening at Dance Recital. Ohana means everything.
May 11, 4:23 p.m.
A moment, frozen in time. The auditorium, full of antsy students and eager parents. The room suddenly hushed, breaths collectively held, all eyes turned toward the podium. Behind the microphone, her voice tremulous but strong, the young mother shared a gift with a class of 8th graders - her kids - minus one very important young man. You could have heard a pin drop in the silence of the moment. A hug for each precious soul, a sparkly cross in memory of her Sparklez, a connection few will understand. A moment, a stillness, a memory, but a reminder that Jerry Lewis will always be with us. I don't know how you measure strength, but here in Cyril, our strength is family. #sparklesmonday
May 18, 8:07 a.m.
#sparklezmonday
Dumbledore: Still?
Snape: Always.
So, how can I explain the depth of my grief? Words fail. I miss you, Jerry Eugene Rath Lewis. Always.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Count Your Blessings
♪ Count your blessings, name them one by one,
♪ Count your many blessings, see what God has done!
So, not only did I give up my Facebook for Lent (which is harder than I imagined, thank you very much), but I also vowed to spend more time in Bible reading and prayer. Well, I have the time! You can't possibly imagine how much time I have wasted on Facebook!
Each day, I'm diving into a different book of the Bible. In the mornings, I read; in the evenings, I reread and ponder, meditate and pray, and then write. I also have a cool journaling/doodling page I found somewhere on Pinterest. (Don't judge me; I can't give up ALL my social media at once!)
Yesterday was just a regular day. No mountaintop experiences, no "valley of the shadow of death" moments. And yet, as I read I Corinthians 1 last night, I was struck by just how many blessings God had given me in the course of the day. Verse 5 practically jumped off the page and landed in my lap! I have been given so much! In speech and in knowledge, I grow every day! Even the seemingly ordinary days! After all, life is really made up of ordinary days sprinkled with extraordinary moments.
There's another old song (I'm pretty sure it's Bing Crosby) about counting blessings instead of sheep "Tonight, I'll fall asleep counting my blessings..." ♫
Yep, I certainly will!
♪ Count your many blessings, see what God has done!
So, not only did I give up my Facebook for Lent (which is harder than I imagined, thank you very much), but I also vowed to spend more time in Bible reading and prayer. Well, I have the time! You can't possibly imagine how much time I have wasted on Facebook!
Each day, I'm diving into a different book of the Bible. In the mornings, I read; in the evenings, I reread and ponder, meditate and pray, and then write. I also have a cool journaling/doodling page I found somewhere on Pinterest. (Don't judge me; I can't give up ALL my social media at once!)
Yesterday was just a regular day. No mountaintop experiences, no "valley of the shadow of death" moments. And yet, as I read I Corinthians 1 last night, I was struck by just how many blessings God had given me in the course of the day. Verse 5 practically jumped off the page and landed in my lap! I have been given so much! In speech and in knowledge, I grow every day! Even the seemingly ordinary days! After all, life is really made up of ordinary days sprinkled with extraordinary moments.
There's another old song (I'm pretty sure it's Bing Crosby) about counting blessings instead of sheep "Tonight, I'll fall asleep counting my blessings..." ♫
Yep, I certainly will!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Reading for Class Assignment (and for fun)
I am really enjoying my grad class this semester! I'm taking Children's Literature, and although there is a lot of reading involved, I am having so much fun!
I'm enjoying the lively discussions with other classmates from around the state, via the college discussion boards. One particularly lively discussion centered around The Giver by Lois Lowry. I enjoyed reading the book, and its sequels, and I relished the responses given by other students about their interpretations.
I also had to read a couple of books from this year's Sequoyah reading list (available here: http://www.owasso.k12.ok.us/webpages/stcmedia/index.cfm?subpage=554878)
I read Strange Case of Origami Yoda and reread Moon Over Manifest. Comparing the main characters in each, and then creating cross-curricular lesson plans, was an enjoyable task!
We also had a couple of great assignments that involved writing. Each assignment involved reading something from a selected list, and then writing about it by following the course rubric. The hardest thing about these assignments is learning how to pare down my writing. For example, one assignment called for a ONE-PAGE paper about an illustrator; however, the instructions also called for us to become an expert on that illustrator by reading several of his/her works and research him/her on the internet! Let's just suffice to say that my paper was actually 2 pages, not one. I used Chris Van Allsburg as my illustrator, and discovered so much about him and his unique books.
Another assignment asked us to suggest a poem for class study and for a detailed plan to teach various skills (not just poetry) in a cross-curricular format. I really enjoyed that assignment! I used the book Whiff of Pine, Hint of Skunk as the basis for my lesson, since there are so many ways to connect it to science curriculum (and much more)!
Most recently, we were given an assignment to read two different children's books that re-imagined a fairy tale. There are so many great ones out there, I had trouble deciding. I ended up going for a Gingerbread Man retelling, by using The Sugar Child and The Stinky Cheese Man. These two books are roughly based on the same story, but are polar opposites in reality. It made the writing so much easier, and the reading so much more fun! (Of course, this paper was supposed to be 1-2 pages, and ended up 2 1/2. Proud of myself for keeping it that short!)
Can't wait to see what the next assignment will be!
Reading suggestions? Well, any of the above, obviously. And dive into the above assignments on your own! You never know which book will spark your enthusiasm until you try!
I read Strange Case of Origami Yoda and reread Moon Over Manifest. Comparing the main characters in each, and then creating cross-curricular lesson plans, was an enjoyable task!
We also had a couple of great assignments that involved writing. Each assignment involved reading something from a selected list, and then writing about it by following the course rubric. The hardest thing about these assignments is learning how to pare down my writing. For example, one assignment called for a ONE-PAGE paper about an illustrator; however, the instructions also called for us to become an expert on that illustrator by reading several of his/her works and research him/her on the internet! Let's just suffice to say that my paper was actually 2 pages, not one. I used Chris Van Allsburg as my illustrator, and discovered so much about him and his unique books.
Another assignment asked us to suggest a poem for class study and for a detailed plan to teach various skills (not just poetry) in a cross-curricular format. I really enjoyed that assignment! I used the book Whiff of Pine, Hint of Skunk as the basis for my lesson, since there are so many ways to connect it to science curriculum (and much more)!
Most recently, we were given an assignment to read two different children's books that re-imagined a fairy tale. There are so many great ones out there, I had trouble deciding. I ended up going for a Gingerbread Man retelling, by using The Sugar Child and The Stinky Cheese Man. These two books are roughly based on the same story, but are polar opposites in reality. It made the writing so much easier, and the reading so much more fun! (Of course, this paper was supposed to be 1-2 pages, and ended up 2 1/2. Proud of myself for keeping it that short!)
Can't wait to see what the next assignment will be!
Reading suggestions? Well, any of the above, obviously. And dive into the above assignments on your own! You never know which book will spark your enthusiasm until you try!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Writing Practice
My son hates to write.
Let me qualify that statement a bit. My son loves to create stories, enjoys research, and likes using the computer. However, my son hates to write - by hand.
He has always struggled with his handwriting. His printing was nearly illegible (but has improved a bit in the past year). His cursive leaves MUCH to be desired. And he is frustrated by his lack of progress and how difficult this task is for him. He will often snap the lead in his pencil just writing the smallest homework assignment. And writing a whole story? Well, let's just say he prints it first. (Because if he wrote in cursive first, the story would be a WHOLE lot shorter!)
So, I'm always trying to think of ways to encourage him to write -- for fun. I think the dying art of letter writing is helpful, but I need something that he can do for INSTANT feedback. Maybe journaling exercises? Maybe the whole family can journal together.
I got this idea after seeing a blog post about a book called "Un-Journaling". I checked it out on amazon.com and it looks neat. I also looked at some other journaling workbooks.
I just don't want it to feel like homework! I need it to be FUN! (big sigh) I need some inspiration. Hmm, I wonder how he would respond to the idea of scrapbooking? My scrapbooks always involve lots of journaling. Well, we'll see.
Let me qualify that statement a bit. My son loves to create stories, enjoys research, and likes using the computer. However, my son hates to write - by hand.
He has always struggled with his handwriting. His printing was nearly illegible (but has improved a bit in the past year). His cursive leaves MUCH to be desired. And he is frustrated by his lack of progress and how difficult this task is for him. He will often snap the lead in his pencil just writing the smallest homework assignment. And writing a whole story? Well, let's just say he prints it first. (Because if he wrote in cursive first, the story would be a WHOLE lot shorter!)
So, I'm always trying to think of ways to encourage him to write -- for fun. I think the dying art of letter writing is helpful, but I need something that he can do for INSTANT feedback. Maybe journaling exercises? Maybe the whole family can journal together.
I got this idea after seeing a blog post about a book called "Un-Journaling". I checked it out on amazon.com and it looks neat. I also looked at some other journaling workbooks.
I just don't want it to feel like homework! I need it to be FUN! (big sigh) I need some inspiration. Hmm, I wonder how he would respond to the idea of scrapbooking? My scrapbooks always involve lots of journaling. Well, we'll see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)