Words to come...

I need to write.

I do. But my heart still feels like stone.

After we lost my mom-in-law, I wrote. A lot. And I ended up with a children's book. It did indeed help me work through my grief. And it's a treasure of thoughts that my daughter will appreciate down the road.

I need to write. The thoughts and words fill up my head, tugging at my heart, and streaming down my cheek when I least expect.

I need to write. The story is there inside my heart. But I can't.

I will. Just not yet.

On Grief

People deal with grief differently. I write.

It's been a rough month, frankly. There have been lots of mornings I didn't want to even get out of bed, didn't want to remember, didn't even want to think about what the day would look like without Jerry. And yet ... there is something incredibly healing in being able to say his name, in being able to write about the awesome young man he was, in being able to see pictures and videos of Jerry being Jerry. I think, perhaps, the hardest part personally was giving myself permission to grieve. You see, Jerry was not my son -- but he was so much a part of our lives, he certainly might as well have been! He's present in too many Facebook photos to count; he's in a third of my profile pics and cover photos; he's been at my house and in my youth group and under foot since forever (Kindergarten). I felt like he was mine. But he wasn't really. And it's been hard to give myself permission to grieve. What right do I have?! Well, he was mine. And this is how the grief process works for me.

I write.

So, I thought maybe I could gather some of this month's Facebook writings here together on this blog. Maybe it will make more sense as a whole. Maybe it will just make sense to me. Ah well.





April 20, 7:54 p.m.
Prayers please for a dear child!

April 20, 11:58 p.m.
Cyril kids, the pastors in town will be available at school tomorrow morning. Most of us, Rachyl and Jaxom included, plan to be there tomorrow. Shoulders to cry on and shoulders to hug. Missing our Sparklez for sure.



April 21, 6:46 a.m.
We all grieve differently. Me, I write. Woke this morning (if you can call this awake) with a gaping chasm in my heart. I may not have given birth to this boy, but he was my son nonetheless. Lots of moms feeling this way in Cyril today. And one more than the rest, more than we can say, we love you, Kristi.

April 23, 10:03 a.m.
Ohana; never forgotten. — with Rachyl Carlson. "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten." -Lilo



April 25, 9:11 a.m.
Your presence and support much appreciated this morning as we try to say goodbye to Jerry Lewis. If you are available, join us at the gym at 10. — feeling heartbroken.

April 25, 1:49 p.m.
Blue sparkle roses for our Sparkles today. Class of 2019 Ohana. (Thanks, Kenzie Grace and Tina R Young.)



April 25, 8:18 a.m.
This morning, I'll be at worship with my church family, for the first time without Jerry. There will be smiles and tears, likely at the same time. I would greatly appreciate your prayers this morning.


(Our youth group, last Youth Sunday.)

April 25, 10:05 p.m.
It was good to sit in a circle of friends this evening. We need each other, for sure. Love you, Delbert, Christine, Kristi, Jason, Rachyl, Haley, Kenneth, Jaxom, Rilee, huge hugs to all!!!!

April 29, 7:19 a.m.
Woke exhausted this morning. Need strength just to make it to school today.
"I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. Hands of Mercy, won't you cover me, Lord, right now I'm asking you to be strong enough."

April 29, 11:17 a.m.
Missing Jerry like crazy today. This pic is from last year's dance recital. How I miss this face! Each day, it seems, is full of more moments.
Like this pic: he HATED sitting through dance recital! But put up with it because that's what family does. It's hard for Rachyl and Jaxom right now without this guy they call brother.
I know she would love to have family and friends come support her Friday evening at Dance Recital. Ohana means everything.



May 11, 4:23 p.m.
A moment, frozen in time. The auditorium, full of antsy students and eager parents. The room suddenly hushed, breaths collectively held, all eyes turned toward the podium. Behind the microphone, her voice tremulous but strong, the young mother shared a gift with a class of 8th graders - her kids - minus one very important young man. You could have heard a pin drop in the silence of the moment. A hug for each precious soul, a sparkly cross in memory of her Sparklez, a connection few will understand. A moment, a stillness, a memory, but a reminder that Jerry Lewis will always be with us. I don't know how you measure strength, but here in Cyril, our strength is family. ‪#‎sparklesmonday‬

May 18, 8:07 a.m.
‪#‎sparklezmonday‬
Dumbledore: Still?
Snape: Always.


So, how can I explain the depth of my grief? Words fail. I miss you, Jerry Eugene Rath Lewis. Always.

How to Understand Your Teenager

How to Understand Your Teenager (or spending quality time with your teen reaps immense benefits):

One of the best things about Easter weekend is the time to spend with the family, obligation-free, stress-free, duty-free. No school means no work for the hubster and me, which also means the opportunity for family time!

The thing I enjoyed most, I think, is getting to spend time with my daughter in lots of different environments.

Dear daughter is a HUGE fan of K-pop. Or J-pop. (I lose track of the current terminology; however you look at it, this is the pop music of Japan and Korea.) She has several favorite bands she listens to, and over the long weekend, she "let" me watch a few of her favorite videos. To me, these groups resemble the Boy Bands of my youth (NSYNC, New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys) but with an edgy modern twist. My favorite song is "Hello" by SHINee. It is just fun seeing pop music from her eyes.

She and her best friend ordered matching tutus for Easter Sunday. This was not my choice; I was against this "fashion statement"; but they're so cute! Daughter wore her Easter dress for Palm Sunday (an olive branch of truce to sooth my nerves), and the girls wore their tutu outfits on Easter Sunday morning. They looked cute together, and I'm proud of the way my daughter cherishes her friendships. I do so enjoy watching them sit together, serve together, and worship together!!

Thursday was a day out of school for some of the art students, to attend the chalk art contest at the local university. Daughter and her sidekicks got to participate, and I was thrilled to get to go watch (and "supervise", as there was an academic interscholastic meet going on as well). I've always considered myself "crafty" rather than "artistic", so this was a bit outside my usual comfort zone. Despite the bad sunburn I received, the day was amazing! The kids' artwork was all spectacular, and they learned so much just by going and seeing other artists at work. Proud of my multifaceted teenager.

The biggest eye-opening moment for me was Saturday. It was the annual town Easter Extravaganza. Kids and parents gather at our local park to hunt Easter eggs. Really, it's more of a dash for eggs, as the eggs are scattered across the green in plain sight; kids are lined up on a "starting line" and set loose at noon. This year, there were door prizes, free hot dogs and snacks, playground fun, pics with the Easter Bunny, and NEW THIS YEAR: facepainting! Done by my creative daughter and her two friends she drafted. She volunteered for this monumental task after seeing one of the adults post on FaceBook looking for a facepainter. These three teenagers painted faces for nearly 100 kiddos on Saturday afternoon. All volunteer, no pay, and bringing their own supplies. What a great service to the community, and how thoughtful! (Here's a pic of daughter "practicing" on our pastor before the rush of children arrived.)


It's times like these long weekends that help me see my teenager in a new light. No, I certainly do not speak her language all of the time, and she is often an enigma to me (seriously, she takes after her two grandmothers more than me -- in so many ways!), but every day I can spend getting to know her is worth it.

***
Thought I'd post my #ootd pics for this past week. Enjoy!

Parts of the Family

Two events happened on Sunday evening that brought home the idea of the closeness of family.

Sunday evening at church was Game Night! This time, we had chili & nachos and all wore our pajamas! I love getting together with the church family in such an informal way. It helps us get to know each other, and just be able to spend time together with these people who are such an important part of life. There was a variety of games around the room: CatchPhrase, 5 Second Rule, Apples to Apples, Sorry, Risk, Battleship, and the kids had a My Little Pony card game going on, as well as the PS3 which the hubby brought from home.

I think the highlight for me, though, was watching a couple of 9th graders and a 7th grader play Chutes and Ladders! Most of us played this game as kids growing up in the 70s and 80s. But these 3 young people played it like I've never seen before. They were really into it -- determined to win. But the best part was how much fun they were having! It was awesome to see teenagers REALLY laugh!


Later, after we'd all come home, and everyone in my house had gone to sleep, we heard crying outside the bedroom door. This was about 11:00 at night. My son was standing there outside the door, distraught because he'd forgotten a big project that was due Monday morning. So, we jumped out of bed and got to work. No scolding, or yelling; he'd already been upset enough about it. It was time to put behind the blame and get going on the project. I worked with my son on his writing project, and then we all dived in to the shoebox model of Inuit life. :) Even my daughter got up to make a clay model of a seal for the project! You know what? It only took us about a half hour to complete what might have been days' worth of work.

And here's what really got me. Both of these Sunday events were really about family. Family coming together; family working and playing together; family being there for one another, no matter whether it's fun time or work time.

♪I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God♪

Time Change, Weekend, and Thoughts about Sisters

It's Monday morning of the "Spring Forward" time change. And I am dragging. I did okay yesterday, with getting up and around, and was even early for church. But this morning? I feel like I am slogging through quicksand. Or slowsand. I'm working on a cup of coffee, though, so maybe the caffeine will help.

While my thoughts are certainly all jumbled up this morning, one thing is clear. Despite the odd time change, one real thing never changes -- the love of family. My weekend was a perfect example of that.

This weekend was certainly busy! One of the highlights was my little niece's 6th birthday party. Her mom held it at the local bowling alley, and invited all the relatives and all the kindergarteners to the party. She was a bit sad at first, since she'd gotten RSVPs from only a few of the kids. Well, it turned out nearly the whole class came!! I would have been completely overwhelmed, but she handled it with her usual grace and smiling face. I am in awe of this amazing woman. Through all of her lifetime of personal struggle and tragedy, she continues to be a beacon of hope. (Oh, and my kiddos had a great time bowling -- my son even won a game, and so did I!)



Yesterday was a beautiful, windy, rainy Sunday. Despite the time change, we had a lovely worship service and average attendance. My sister-in-law and niece even came for worship! My kids love it when she is here! We try to spend every minute we can in her presence. My daughter even spent the night with her little cousin. After church, we ate pizza together and just generally "hung out" all afternoon. My kids love hanging out with their cousins, and I truly enjoy the quiet (and not-so-quiet) moments I get to spend with my sisters. How blessed I feel to have married my husband and gotten two sisters in the bargain! :)

For some great reading about sisters (who aren't blood-related but are "sisters" nonetheless), pick up the Traveling Pants series. I read these four books quite awhile ago, and there is a new one out! It's called Sisterhood Everlasting, and I can't wait to read it! There's also a related book called 3 Willows, which I believe is about the daughters of the original "sisters". Some fabulous reading, for women of all ages. It's about the friendship that connects us, whether we are born sisters or brought together as friends.

March, already??

Goodness, can it be March already? February was so full and busy, I can't believe the time got away from me!

The past two weekends have been incredibly busy! First, we took the junior high & high school youth to MidWinter camp. They had a great time, and so did we! Then, just after getting back, we attended the funeral of a very dear friend and outstanding member of our congregation. He will certainly be missed by all of us!

This past weekend was even more full! Friday we were out of school, thankfully, so we could get as much done as possible before my daughter's birthday party Friday evening. She got to go shopping with PaPa, and I believe they bought out the mall! :) She had a great turn-out for her party, and even had two of her friends sleep over Friday night. Saturday was completely filled with WinterJam! We left extra early and got to stand in line for a looooooooooong time, and even then, we barely got in and had seats behind the stage. No matter what seats, it was still a great concert and a great worship experience. We got home around 1:30 Sunday morning, got a little sleep, and headed to church! Even Sunday was filled to the brim, with church, my daughter's birthday dinner at the Chinese restaurant, and Bible study in the evening.

Whew! I'm exhausted just writing about it!

I would love to share a great reading recommendation at this point, but I haven't had time to read! Maybe next time!

Basketball Boy

My son only plays basketball because I make him. That's what he tells everyone, and it's actually the truth. In their elementary school, the 4th-6th graders play basketball during this time of the year. If the kids choose not to participate on the basketball team, they end up sitting through all of gym class. Well, I figure he does enough sitting during the rest of his day; he needs to be up and active during gym class. So, yes, I make him play basketball.

The hardest part of playing basketball, for him, is that the rest of the boys in his class are incredibly talented. It's like they were born with athletics in their genes. They live and breathe sports. So my son doesn't get to play in the games for very long (although his coach is awesome and lets every boy have some minutes of playing time in every game).

Last night, though, my son got plenty of playing time. The team was ahead by a ridiculous number of points. (I think the final score ended up being something like 45-8.) And somehow, something in my son's brain finally clicked. He actually took 3 shots -- something he's NEVER done in a game before.

And he actually MADE a BASKET! In fact, it was the final basket of the game, though it wasn't a "buzzer-beater" or anything fantastic like that.

I was probably the most excited person in the stands at that point. I'm so proud of him. He's stuck with it, and improved as a player, even though he really doesn't like playing basketball. And that makes me proud of him as a person.

A great basketball book: Summer Ball by Mike Lupica

Dreams Gone By

Well, Mother Sugar (mothersugar.wordpress.com) has done it again. She's asked a question that caused me to take a "sentimental journey".

The question? What dreams will you never see fulfilled, and why do you think they won't be fulfilled?

I've been pondering this question since it was posted last Friday. It's a difficult question, because we all want to believe that phrase "Dreams can come true". After all, don't we tell our children this? I encourage my kids to dream big dreams and work to make those dreams come true. One of my favorite tomes, Walden, has always been an encouragement to me, to keep building my "castles in the air" and the "foundations under them".

Yet, this question begs for an honest answer. So here it is.

My dream that will never be fulfilled is for my children to have their grandmothers at their graduations, weddings, and other lifetime achievement moments. I have been so lucky. I had both of my grandmothers beside me through most of my life. I even knew my great-grandmothers. And yet, my children will not have this same joy. My mother passed away before my children were born. My husband's mother passed away when my children were in 1st and 2nd grade. It's true: my kids will not have their grandmothers beside them the way I did.

My kids have been lucky enough to have close relationships with their great-grandmothers -- all four of their great-grandmas! However, in the past 3 years, my kids have lost 3 of the 4. In fact, my kids' last remaining grandma just turned 93. It makes me sad and a bit nostalgic when I think of all the red-letter days that my kids will have to experience "grandma-less".

Don't get me wrong. My kids are certainly not alone in the world! They are surrounded by loving parents, aunts, uncles, and grandfathers. They even have a step-grandma who cherishes them. They have plenty of extra grandmas at church and in our tiny community who come to support them in all their endeavors, whether it is a piano recital or a football game.

But that dream of mine, of my children proudly walking across the stage at high school graduation with their grandmas beaming from the audience. Well, that dream will be unfulfilled. Not a thing I can do about it. Except to remind them (and myself) that we are not alone. That we are loved. And that somewhere, their grandmas are looking down on them with love and pride, no matter what.

A Strange Way to Spend a Holiday

This weekend was supposed to be my big Christmas celebration with my Kansas family. The plan was that we drive to my cousin's house Friday and spend the night, then have a huge celebration at my brother's house on Saturday, then drive home Saturday night to get ready for Christmas Eve at home.

Well, that certainly was not the way the weekend went.

It all went well, to begin with. We had an uneventful trip from Oklahoma, a nice 7 hour car trip. We arrived just on time, Friday afternoon, at my cousin's house. We got to spend some family time together. My aunt and uncle brought my grandma over to visit. That was so nice, since grandma lives so far away and, at 92, it's difficult for her to travel. We got to see my cousin's three little kids, and I was very excited to meet the youngest, just 6 months old. What a cutie!

But then, things went all wrong. I felt sick, thought maybe it was my cousin's spicy chili soup that was responsible. I should have known better. It was really a kidney stone. Great timing. My cousin the nurse helped diagnose, and she helped Hubby and I get to the ER.

Yep, that's right, I spend the majority of my Kansas Family Christmas in the hospital. I was there all day Saturday waiting for my turn in surgery to get the stone removed. I got a good night's sleep Saturday night at my cousin's, before we set out Sunday morning to pick up the kiddos at my brother's.

My family is so amazing! While I was in the hospital, they all made sure the kids still had a good Christmas time.

Friday night, the kids stayed up late at my cousin's house playing with the baby cousins and (hopefully) not worrying about mom. They slept well, then they got picked up Saturday by their grandparents to go eat lunch and spend the rest of Saturday at the Big Family Christmas. All the cousins were there, as well as Great-Grandma. They had a really great time! Then, they got to spend the night (with the twin cousins) and wake up to mom & dad's arrival for the trip home to Oklahoma.

I do feel better now, and I am certainly thankful I was near the hospital not on the road! I am especially grateful for the doctor on call Saturday, who not only operated quickly and efficiently, but gave me dietary tips and hope for the future for maybe not so many kidney stones in the future!!

After all this, I got to thinking. Maybe I read this somewhere, I can't remember, but the gist is this: The first Christmas didn't go exactly the way Mary had planned. She certainly didn't plan to give birth in a stable, surrounded by shepherds, with only Joseph for help. But that was God's plan. No matter how our Christmas events turn out, God is there.

That, to me, is the true miracle of Christmas.

Christmas Eve picture at Church! (notice the big bruise on my arm from the iv!)

Thanksgiving

What a wonderful Thanksgiving this has been! First, Dad got to come visit. Then, we spent a quiet Thanksgiving at home. And then, Saturday.

Saturday was a great day. The kids' little cousin got to spend the night on Friday evening, and they got to spend the day Saturday running around together. Then, lunch on Saturday became our big family Thanksgiving celebration! All of my husband's family came for lunch. We made brisket, ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, and stuffing. Everyone else brought sides and dessert. The meal was fantastic, and it was so fun to share our new home with the family!

After the meal, we cleared off the dining room table and played Apples to Apples. (This is a fabulous game that you simply must try! Easy enough for young kids, but hysterical when played with sisters-in-law!) Later, we moved the game to my father-in-law's house to "supervise" the kids.

All the grandkids went down to PaPa's house to decorate his tree and hang up their ornament wreaths. This has become a yearly tradition, and the kids have so much fun. The wreaths are a tradition that my mother-in-law began with her children: each year, a new ornament is added to each child's wreath. My father-in-law has continued the tradition with his grandkids, adding new ornaments to their wreaths every year. And they get to pick the ornaments (fun). The funniest part is that PaPa always leaves the tree decorated in whatever way the kids make it. Here is this year's effort:

In the evening, just as everything was settling down and everyone was departing for their own homes, my daughter's friends began arriving for a sleepover. (I know, what was I thinking, right?) My son fled to PaPa's house for the night, smart boy. The girls had a great time! This is the first sleepover my daughter has ever hosted -- we'd never had the space before! She had a great time, and her friends had a great time, and I had a great time too! Imagine my surprise at being asked to participate in a game of Apples to Apples with the girls! :) My poor husband hid in our bedroom the whole night.

All in all, it was a great Thanksgiving. A memorable holiday, to say the least!

Prepping for Christmas? Try reading some of the great Christmas books by Richard Paul Evans!

The Relatives Came

My dad and his wife spent the weekend at our house! They arrived on Friday evening, and left this morning just after breakfast.

It was a great weekend! We ate together, laughed together, walked together, played games together, and just generally enjoyed each other's company.

We bought a new game, Disney Apples to Apples, which we played several times throughout the weekend. It was a great way to spend time together and laugh and laugh and laugh. We discovered that "bugs" are "icky" but not as bad as "dirty dishes"! And that Snow White is beautiful, but not as beautiful as Sleeping Beauty! :)

I had to leave Saturday afternoon to take my library certification exam, so my husband and the kids were left to entertain the company. They decided to load up on the Gator and explore the pasture and surrounding countryside. I'm glad the weather was warm enough for this expedition! It was also warm enough all weekend for us to walk every evening!

I am so blessed to have a husband who is a good cook -- and who doesn't mind cooking for a "large" crowd. We ate well! Saturday evening, we had a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving! We enjoyed a feast of ham, scalloped pototoes, corn, and pumpkin pie. Mmm-mmm! Sunday evening, we had an Oklahoma dinner of chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, and pumpkin roll!

On Sunday morning, I pursuaded Dad to sing with me in church. That was probably my highlight of the weekend! It was a great moment, one I will not soon forget. I'm so glad he agreed!

So, the house will be empty when we come home after school today. Although it will be nice to have a quiet house, I think it will seem empty without them. But I think we successfully encouraged them to stop over on their way home after Thanksgiving!

My Father is Coming!

There's a little chant repeating in my head: "My father is coming, my father is coming!"

I'm so excited! My father is coming for a long weekend. He and his wife will be here in just a few hours. I am having trouble containing myself.

We cleaned the house yesterday in anticipation of their visit. The kids were great help, even helping clean the bathroom!

We also baked cookies, and shopped for groceries (including an early Thanksgiving of sorts with ham as the main dish).

Now all that's left is the waiting. Hope I can make it until 6:00 tonight!

My father is coming!!

Here are the kiddos raking leaves! They had a great time getting ready for Grandpa's visit!!








A great book about holidays and what it means to be a family: Family Dinner by Jane Cutler.

Speeches, Basketball, and Dance.. Oh My!

Yesterday was one of those overly busy days. I'm reminded of Dorothy's famous line about lions, and tigers, and... Yep, it was a walk-in-the-woods kind of day.

During school, both kids attended the 4H speech contest. My daughter got a red ribbon, and my son got a blue ribbon. I'm just proud that they wanted to participate!

Right after school, my daughter had a basketball game. The school buses were being used on routes, so no buses were available to take the girls to the game! My husband volunteered to use our church van, so we took half and coach used the school suburban for the other half. (Hubby's logic: the pastor's daughter and the youth pastor's daughter are both on the team, so why not?) Actually, I'm glad our church can reach out to the community when there is a need!

To top it all off, my daughter had dance class last night too! She was tired for sure, but she wouldn't have it any other way. It's a good thing she's taking this all in stride, since nearly every Tuesday until mid-January is going to be basketball/dance day!

To be honest, I am glad my kids like to be involved in school and extracurricular activities. I just really wish (for my sake) that the activities didn't happen all on the same day!

A quick read, a novel in verse, for grades 6-8: Planet Middle School by Nikki Grimes. The main character is a middle school basketball player, and her struggle during her first year of middle school is actually a great (and quick) book to read!

18 Dreams

I recently read a blog post asking how life is different than you expected it to be when you were 18. (at mothersugar.wordpress.com)

Well, I sat and thought about that for awhile. And here is what I discovered.

My dream at 18, headed to college, was to grow up to be a teacher. I wanted to marry a farmer, but not have any kids, and live near my family.

Hmm, much of that sounds oddly like my life today! I did grow up to be a teacher (though I'm working as a librarian now). I married a small-town boy (and although he is certainly not a farmer, we live in the country). I have two amazing children, and can't imagine life without them. And I live near my husband's family -- still near "family", just not "mine".

My life certainly isn't fairytale perfect, but it's real and it's mine. That's more than I could have ever dreamed when I was 18!

For a fun read about family (and an odd farm) pick up Dither Farm by Sid Hite. Enjoy!

"These People Are My Bones"

Sometimes when reading a book, a passage just pops off the page. The words and meaning resound deep inside, making the book more meaningful than it had been.

The book I'm currently reading is Tiger Lily, by Jodi Lynn Anderson. It's a unique retelling of the Peter Pan story. Like the Peter and the Starcatchers series, this book goes its own way, developing a story line all its own. The story is fun, but also dark. Anyway, I've been reading it just for fun, not studying it for a class or anything "studious" like that.

Then, out of the blue, this passage strikes me. Suddenly, the book resonates in a new way, and I find I'm having trouble putting it down (even to write this post).




Here's the passage:

" I could never leave," Pine Sap said.
"Why?" she asked.
Pine Sap shrugged, and gestured in the direction of the village. "Because I think people must be the same everywhere. Only these people are my bones."

It's true. People are people wherever you go. But your family, your village, are the ones in your heart, in your bones, that you carry with you. No matter how far you roam, your small town family is still with you.

:)

Family Landmarks

This weekend was full of family landmarks.

We moved into our new home over Fall Break. It took a lot of work, to move in our furniture, but it's accomplished! The best feeling in the world was being able to sleep in our own beds in our new house. This morning, making coffee in my kitchen, I'm thankful (even for a Monday morning)!

I love watching my kids grow into young adults. They have become so responsible, putting away dishes without being asked, helping to cook dinner, and putting up their clean clothes. I love how much hard work they are putting into the new house.

A wonderful moment occurred on Sunday evening. My nephew was baptized!

It brought back some great memories, of my own baptism and of my kids' baptism just a few years ago. The preacher asked for a show of hands of people in the congregation who had been baptized. Such a moment to watch my kids, smiling, raise their hands in acknowledgement. That moment was real, deep in their hearts -- just as it was in mine. What a great landmark to celebrate as a family!

Can't wait for Thanksgiving in the new house, making more family memories and family landmark events!

A great read about family life and family landmark events: Miracles on Maple Hill by Virginia Sorensen. (a classic Newbery and worth the while)

Home Sweet Home

What makes a house a home?

This is the question I've been pondering lately. My family moved a lot when I was a kid, and it really never seemed like we put down roots. The only place that ever really felt like "home" to me is the Stone House, on the farm where my grandmother still lives. Though my family only really lived there 5 years, it still is the place my heart calls home. Now, the family uses the Stone House as a retreat, kind of like our own personal B&B, a place to stay when visiting Grandma.

As an adult, I've moved quite a few times, too. I find it hard to accept any living quarters as a "permanent" home. We've always rented -- why buy a house when you expect to be moving? Though we've lived in our current place for something like 6 years, it's never felt like home.

Well, we are getting ready to move again. This time, it's a welcome change. We have outgrown the house we currently rent. And the house to which we are moving is perfect. Perfect size, perfect location, perfect for us.

So I'm wondering. What makes a house a home? How long must a person live in a house before it starts to feel homey?

A book to read at home: Cleopatra's Moon by Vicky Alvear Shecter

More About Grandmas

This morning, my husband's last living grandparent passed away. Grandma had been sick for quite a long time. She had recently been moved to the nursing home, but due to cancer in several areas, she was in a great deal of pain. The past couple of days had been very hard. So, while the call this morning wasn't really a shock, it's still hard to say goodbye. It's hard to imagine life without her.

When I first met her, I thought she was the most genteel Southern lady I had ever met. Her favorite color was dusty rose -- and as a widow with a house all to herself, the entire house was decorated in that color. I had never met anyone who had done that. (I thought she was probably exceedingly rich; she wasn't.)

I never really told anyone that until the past year or so. Everyone got a kick out of it, and once I heard her tell about her life as a child, I understood. Her family was dirt-poor. She told great stories about picking cotton and tending chickens. It was a harsh life, far from anything I can imagine. My favorite story was of the large family (she had 8 siblings) moving to a new house, but not having room for grandma in the truck; she had to ride in the back with the chickens.

To me, though, I will always see her as that proper, stately Southern belle that I met the very first time. I hope the family finds items the proper shade of dusty rose to use at her memorial service.

It also occurs to me that now my children have just one grandmother left = mine. And my grandma is 92. That thought has made me suddenly sad.

My Grandma

My grandma, 92, is in the hospital. She had a heart attack on Monday, stints put in yesterday, and is doing better today.

My grandma is my rock. Since I lost my mom, and my mom-in-law, who were huge in my life, I have relied so much on my grandma.

I don't get to see her too often, since she lives so far away.

And it's very difficult to live so far away now, when she is in the hospital. I can't go see her, reassure myself that she's going to be okay. Or reassure her that she's going to be okay.

Grandma lives in Kansas. Kansas is very much a part of who I am!

Books about Kansas? Try Moon Over Manifest by Clare Vanderpool, or May B by Caroline Starr Rose. Different takes on historical fiction, but both are great reads.

Maybe I'll read a little to take my mind off worrying.

The Logistics of Family Togetherness

It's no secret, I love getting together with my family! I have a very close family, and we love spending time together. The problem is, we live very far away from them!

It's hard to get together very often when you live 8 hours from the people you want to see. It's actually a major undertaking. Thankfully, my kids are good travelers; but getting everyone else together is like organizing a small army. Make that an army of cats!

Usually, we manage to get together only twice a year -- Christmas and summer time. Sometimes, it's closer to Thanksgiving, or Fall Break, or Spring Break. However we can manage it, we get together when we can. We especially love heading out to the farm where my grandma lives. The kids love running around the wide open Kansas plains, and the cousins love coming out and running around with them! It's just difficult to get all of us in one place at the same time.

Most difficult of all is having to change plans. Yes, making the plans initially is tricky. Carrying out the plans is even more dicey.

As you can tell, I am experiencing this plan-changing right now. Because my son is sick, we are unable to get together with my herd (hmm, I mean family) when we originally planned. Hopefully everyone will be flexible and we can try again when the little guy is feeling better. Nothing like a long drive in the car with a sick child! And he would have NO fun out at the farm if he had to stay inside the whole time!

So, family, be patient. We'll try this again.

In the meantime, I'll be indulging in some light reading. To cheer myself up. I miss my family!

Light reading suggestion: Hester Browne's Swept Off Her Feet. I plan to enjoy it this weekend!